Abandoned By My Passport

Tomorrow, April 3rd, my permission to stay in the country as a tourist will expire and I will be stuck in Limbo.

Since I came in October to the US I’ve felt weird. I am used to traveling and I have always done it with a tourist visa. I came to this country before and I traveled across both coasts and I had a great time. I went to Europe and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I felt alive. I have never felt uncomfortable. I was free. I did what I wanted when I wanted. This time is different. I came to see my boyfriend and he ended up proposing to me. Of course I said yes, but deep inside in that precise moment I felt something. Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being different, fear of feeling imprisoned. And that feeling didn’t go away, on the contrary, it is still with me and it is stronger than never.

I knew I would not be allowed to work, but it still bothers me every time I think about it. It makes me feel useless, tied up and the only thing I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. “Work dignifies man” is a common phrase and it is true, at least to me. I made a decision when I said yes: To stay in the USA no matter what. I had to be strong, I had to deal with it.

I am the kind of person who needs to be doing something all the time, every minute of the day. I can read- I thought. Four books later I was sure it was not going to be enough. I have more time to write- When you have a lot of free time in front of you, honestly you don’t do sh°t. The excessive free time transforms you. My bed wouldn’t let me get up. I got bored too quickly. I started having anxiety. I got tired after running for five minutes. I started being more negative. I had changed and I was not happy with the new me.

I felt ashamed. I felt like a criminal. If I can’t work and people in the grocery store take too much time looking at my passport, I am not so different from an ex-convict, I kept thinking. It was killing me. I felt out of place all the time.

I remember the first time I went to buy food by myself (I didn’t do it before because I was being too self conscious about my accent); I went to the cashier and I used my credit card, so she asked for my ID and of course the only thing I had was my passport. So I gave it to her and I thought she was going to give it a quick look and return it. But no, she stared at it and looked at me and looked at it again, like it was fake or something -Argentina?- she asked, -Yes- my voice was filled with discomfort. -Why is she doing this? This is completely legal, is she trying to show me something?- I couldn’t believe what was happening, then she said that my passport was going to expire in one month, I should be careful and I just wanted to respond -I know b°tch and that’s why I have my new passport in my house-, but instead I smiled at her, like I always do, and went home. I will never forget that day. I had never felt more uncomfortable in my life. If I have to think now why she did it, I guess that she was trying to show that in her country you can not mess up. To her, I’m only a visitor here. I’m not an American. I have to live by their rules.

It was really difficult for me to be myself. I became so dependent on my boyfriend. I let the market cashier win. The USA has a big issue with illegal immigrants, everybody knows it, but why should we all have to suffer the same? I didn’t do anything wrong. I had to understand it, because the biggest problem was not with Americans, the problem was with me and what I believed to be my place in this country. People will see you the way you see yourself.

Six months passed and I am proud of everything I had to deal with to be here today. I am one step closer to having my working permit and to start building a professional life here. Today I’ve chosen to not be afraid anymore. The future is in my hands and it depends on me and what I do with it.

P.S: If you are thinking about following my steps, think twice and commit to it. Be prepared to hit rock bottom. Because the reward is worth it!