-Really? Is that still a thing?- I said with discomfort while watching a show. I was referring to the homophobia of a father to his son. We are in 2016, I don’t understand why people may think that you cannot be succesful if you are openly gay with so many examples that demonstrate the opposite.
But then I wondered if I was being honest with myself. I knew I wasn’t. I am still very conscious of the anti-gay discrimination. I still know that it exists. And I am still aware of what I do in my daily life that is affected by it.
In Argentina I never walked holding hands with a guy. I only gave a kiss on the street once. I was aware. I was very aware. I used to say that I was worried that someone could feel uncomfortable looking at me being with my boyfriend, but in reality I was the one that didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of people staring at me.
And that was understandable. Argentina represents all those years of my young life where people called me faggot and tried to beat me, because I was too feminine for their “masculine standadrs”. Where I was paranoid knowing that my schoolmates talked about my sexuality behind my back. Where I hated that the question “Do you like girls or boys?” followed by laughs was a constant when meeting people for the first time. Where the comparison of my masculinity with my twin brother was one of my worst nightmares. Where I was worried that my family would stop loving me if they knew. Where I had so many girl-friends, but just a few boy-friends. Where one of my deepest desires was to live under my bed for days or just end my life.
That stopped with the years. I moved to Buenos Aires and I met new people. I learned that being gay was ok and I was happy with myself, but I was still very aware. Since I came to the US that has changed. I am just one of so many. I don’t care if someone looks at me. And actually nobody cares. One day I was walking holding hands with my husband and all of a sudden we heard a loud “faggots” coming from a car. We did not care. We laughed about it (and I may have shown them my middle finger). The awareness is gone- I thought.
But the other day we went to the beach and I found myself trying to avoid having too much physical contact with him. I was surprised by my reaction. I was so convinced that I wasn’t going to act like that again. But there I was, doing the same thing I was so used to in my home country. It was sad to be honest.
The same happens when I am planning to meet new people. Especially older people. -Should I go with him? Should I say I am married to a man?- I don’t want to be “too confident”, -Sunds stupid, doesn’t it?.
I wanted to understand why I acted like that. I know that I am really proud of who I am.There is kind of an hypocrisy in my behaviour. I don’t understand it. There is a clear incoherence in what I feel and how I act. I get really surprised when someone shows homophobia symptoms, but when it comes to me and my actions I am very conscious that it is still a thing.
And I’m not alone in this. My husband lives with the same dilemma. He works as a line cook in a major chain restaurant. He told everybody he is married, but he stopped himself from saying that it was to a man. As far as he knows all of his coworkers are straight and they are constantly making gay jokes. Mean jokes. Of course not all jokes regarding gays are bad, but in this case they are. Straight man sometimes think that saying that kind of jokes makes them cool or even more “macho” and that is stupid as hell. And why do people think that call someone gay or “homo” is a bad thing?, why sometimes when they get mad they say it as the most offensive thing?
So my husband gets uncomfortable when someone starts talking about his partner and gets worried that he will have to come clear some day. We know that everything is going to be fine, but I think it is time for these things to stop happening.
It would be silly to think that I have nothing else to learn or re-think. That change is still being developed in my interior. I am walking through this learning path day by day. I am growing in my own acceptance and I am embracing myself more every day. And I know that a lot of people is in the same path.
I can’t avoid to wonder: Are there as many homophobic people as I think when I am outside and are there as few homophobic people as I think when I’m comfortable in my house and I’m watching a show?
Juani Manzo 